Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
