Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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