i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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