i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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