Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
