best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
