The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
false alarm, still single
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
