woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
