Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize