Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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