Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
