just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
