You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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