after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need to sanitize my soul.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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