11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
