Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i think my cat just said my name.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
