life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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