Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize