it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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