Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize