i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
