My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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