My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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