Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
