Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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