community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
