Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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