In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
