I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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