I'm gonna have a badass scar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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