It was confusing and full of hummus
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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