I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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