i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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