Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
