You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
