I wish you could order shots online.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
