If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
