a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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