Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
