Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
