im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
