I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We don't watch enough power rangers
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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