One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
