it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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