I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
