Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The beer is more important than you right now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
