the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
