I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
