Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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