i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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