i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize