one word: firstdatebathroomanal
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
