she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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