I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
