Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
