My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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