ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
